


these magical moments (when i'm with you)

by martiniblue



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, F/F, first chapter is kind of a drag but i'll post second chapter soon, happy endings are overrated, ryujin is big sad so im warning you here, there's some swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-10-27 18:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20764796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martiniblue/pseuds/martiniblue
Summary: ryujin and yuna throughout their years at hogwarts: school of witchcraft and wizardry





	1. after all, sunflowers don't have thorns right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ryujin is hot-tempered and generally very closed off but when a certain clumsy hufflepuff accidentally blows up a potion in her face, she can't seem to get mad.

"If I get assigned a seat next to one of them Gryffindor bitches in Potions, I'm gonna avada kedavra them into space," Ryujin huffed as she climbed the stairs, heading towards her next class.

"That's not- that's not how that spell works..." Yeji pointed out but Ryujin was already ten steps ahead of her, probably not even listening to anything she had to say.

"Hey wait! I'm in Gryffindor!" Yeji called out when she realised what Ryujin had said.

"But are you a bitch? No," Ryujin answered her own question, not slowing down for Yeji.

"That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Yeji sidled up to Ryujin's side.

"Don't get used to it."  
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  


"Ah Shin Ryujin, how nice of you to join us," Professor Slughorn drew attention to her tardiness. "For once."

Ryujin never saw the point of learning potions. It was just such a long process for something that they could only use once with effects that were temporary. Even something as simple as polyjuice potion took almost 24 hours to brew in a standard Pewter cauldron. Quidditch on the other hand... now that was more up Ryujin's alley.

"And Miss Hwang Yeji," Professor Slughorn respectfully addressed, "This is so unlike you. I was beginning to worry."

"_I was beginning to worry_," Ryujin mocked under her breath when Slughorn turned around to read his list of assigned seat partners.

"Now Ryujin, you sit over here next to Miss Shin Yuna and Yeji you sit over there next to Miss Choi Jisu."

Ryujin trudged along the aisle and dragged out her chair, enjoying how the clattering sound irked her professor to no end. She slumped into her seat and seeing as her seat partner already had her textbooks neatly stacked on their table, she dropped her bag on the ground and folded her arms.

"Now, as I was saying, this curious little potion is known as Felix Felicis - or more commonly known as Liquid Luck. The recipe can be found on page three hundred and ninety-four."

Ryujin eyed the golden crest stitched onto the girl's robe. She was hoping for a Ravenclaw as a seat partner, someone from the smart bunch so that maybe she'd pass the class without having to lift a finger. But the Hufflepuff beside her was listening attentively with a gleam in her eye. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad. 

She must've felt Ryujin's gaze fixated on her because she turned her head slightly, making direct eye contact with Ryujin.

"I'm Yuna!" she greeted cheerily as she extended her hand before Ryujin could look away.

"I know."

"Oh right, Slughorn already said it," Yuna lowered her head sheepishly. "Did you bring your textbook?"

"I did but what's the point in having two of them out?"

"Good point!" Yuna nodded a little too enthusiastically. Ryujin wondered how someone could be so energetic at nine o'clock in the morning.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


"Add Ashwinder egg to a cauldron, then add horseradish," Ryujin read aloud as Yuna collected the ingredients in her hands and dropped them into their cauldron.

"Next?" Yuna asked as she dusted her hands.

"What the fuck! Don't do that over the cauldron! All the germs from your hands are gonna go into it!" Ryujin swatted Yuna's hands away.

"Didn't know you were such a germaphobe. Besides, we're not _eating _this. This isn't soup, Ryujin. It's for Slughorn."

Ryujin rolled her eyes. "It could mess up the whole potion. Who knows what was on your hands." 

Yuna sighed heavily. "Next?" she asked again, not wanting to get Ryujin all riled up. The girl was known for being hot-tempered and Yuna didn't want to witness it first-hand.

"Juice a squill bulb, add to the cauldron and stir vigorously."

Yuna cut off the end of the squill bulb and squeezed it using her hands, letting droplets of its juice slowly drip into the cauldron. Ryujin wasn't sure if that was the correct method but she wasn't about to question it since Yuna paid a lot more attention than she did when their professor was explaining.

She stepped closer to the cauldron and grimaced at the sight. Ryujin wondered if everyone else's ones looked the same. They were only up to step three now, surely it can't have gone that wrong already.

"Chop up anemone-like growth on the back of Murtlap, add to mixture and heat."

"It's already chopped up so I'll just add it."

Yuna pulled out her wand from inside her robe.

"Wait, what are you-" Ryujin started, but before she could finish...

"Incendio!"

There was a loud sizzle before the mixture inside their cauldron burst into flames, leaving soot on their faces (Ryujin instantly regretted taking a step closer).

"What the fuck!"

"Oh my god, your hair's on fire!"

Before Ryujin had time to register what Yuna was saying, the other girl was already patting the ends of Ryujin's hair with her bare hands, trying to subdue the small flames. Sure enough, at least ten centimetres from the bottom of her hair was burnt to crisp.

"What's going on?" Slughorn boomed over the loud chatter among the other students, looking onto the mess Ryujin and Yuna (mostly Yuna) made.

Ryujin wanted to avada kedavra him for asking such a stupid question but then Yuna spoke up.

"I'm so sorry Sir," she apologised sincerely, "It's my fault, I made a mistake."

Professor Slughorn's eyes flicked over to Ryujin momentarily, quietly suspicious that this was all her doing but decided that since Yuna had already admitted that it was her fault, there was nothing he could say.

"Very well, mistakes can happen," he told her, "The both of you should see Madam Pomfrey immediately."  
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


"Why the fu- why on earth would you go all _incendio_ on the potion?" Ryujin broke the silence.

She waited for Yuna to say something since she was obviously the more social one between the two but the girl didn't say anything except a mumbled apology as they were leaving their classroom.

"Because it said heat," Yuna answered in a small voice, keeping her hands close to her side.

"What?"

"Because it said heat," Yuna repeated.

"No, I heard you the first time."

"Then why did you ask like you didn't hear?"

A short laugh escaped Ryujin's lips and Yuna didn't know whether it was a scoff or if Ryujin was genuinely amused. Probably the former, she thought.

"You know _heat_ means like-" Ryujin paused to push down her laughter, "-put the cauldron over a Bunsen burner, right?"

She watched as Yuna's knitted eyebrows relaxed, her eyes slowly widening in realisation. Her mouth hung open but she was at a loss for words.

"I-I knew that," she buried her humiliation and covered it with a lie to save her pride. Her pace quickened.

"Mhm, sure you did."

Ryujin let herself smile when Yuna walked briskly in front of her.

"Sorry about your hair by the way," Yuna frowned as they walked down the stairs together.

"Have you ever cut hair before?" Ryujin asked, ignoring Yuna's apology.

"What?"

"Can you cut my hair for me? It's hard to do by myself."

Yuna's heart stuttered and so did her feet apparently.

"Woah!" she flailed her arms around, trying to regain balance but she felt the heel of her left foot slide off the step. She reached out for the rails but it was too far. She felt gravity dragging her down but before her backside could hit the cold steps, a hand held onto her arm and snaked around her waist. She winced at their contact.

"You're so clumsy. Maybe I shouldn't be talking to you while we're walking down stairs."

Ryujin let go of her waist but kept a firm grip on her arm. Yuna gave her a weak smile and removed Ryujin's hand from her arm. She looked down at her hands and subtly rolled up her sleeves to see her forearms. It was getting worse.

"Are you okay?" Ryujin worried when Yuna didn't respond.

"Yeah!" Yuna quickly let her sleeves drop back down to her wrists.

She masked the pain she was in and put a broad smile on her face. But it didn't quite reach her eyes and even though Ryujin wasn't buying it, she let it go because what were they? Involuntary seat partners. So why did she feel so... concerned about this Hufflepuff she'd never even met before? Was it even concern? All of it was foreign to her. She wasn't usually like this. She wasn't even sure if she's ever felt _concerned_ about anyone in her life. Certainly not her family. Maybe Yeji at some point but there wasn't a moment she could pinpoint.

Ryujin frowned, lost in thought.

She wasn't really herself around Yuna. Or at least she didn't _feel_ like herself. She had only been around Yuna for less than an hour and the girl was already making her feel all these emotions she couldn't quite name nor understand. So, she came to the conclusion that Yuna was like a rose. Beautiful... alluring even, but upon closer inspection, her thorns were prickly.

"Ladies, what brings you here?" Madam Pomfrey's voice broke her train of thought.

"An accident in Potions class," Yuna answered for them.

"I see," Pomfrey nodded at the soot on their faces. "Any burns?"

"No," Ryujin replied, "Except for my hair."

Yuna hesitated, looking briefly at Ryujin before speaking up. "This hand..."

Madam Pomfrey tutted sympathetically as she took a closer look. She gently rolled up Yuna's sleeves, revealing her seared skin. It was fairly minor but Ryujin felt her heart drop to her stomach at the sight - another thing she couldn't understand. What was wrong with her heart? Was this what a heart attack felt like? She wanted to ask Madam Pomfrey but decided not to interrupt her while she was treating Yuna's wounds.

Ryujin bit down on her knuckles as she sat on the bed opposite Yuna's, watching Madam Pomfrey apply ointment to soothe her burns. As much as Yuna tried to suppress her pain, she couldn't. She sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut as Pomfrey lightly dabbed the ointment on her palms. A whimper escaped her lips.

Ryujin couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't even her getting treated but she could feel Yuna's pain. She didn't know why she got up from her side of the hospital wing and made her way to Yuna. She didn't know why she sat down next to Yuna. She didn't know why she held Yuna's other, perfectly fine hand in hers.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  
  


Ryujin wrung the face towel and used it to lightly wipe off the soot from Yuna's face.

"I can do it myself, you know?" Yuna spoke quietly, "This hand's still good."

"Don't want you to poke your eye or something," Ryujin rinsed the towel under running tap water before using it to wipe her own face. "I've known you for what - like two hours and even I know you're super clumsy."

Yuna smiled, eyes turning into crescents and Ryujin felt warmth spread throughout her body when she saw it in the reflection of the mirror. It felt like the time Yeji made hot chocolate for her when she showed up at her doorstep during their Christmas holidays, a time when everyone was sent home.

"Do you still want me to cut your hair then?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Even though you know I'm clumsy?"

Ryujin tapped her chin and left without another word.

"Hey wait-" Yuna followed after her. "You could've just said no..."

"Madam Pomfrey?" Ryujin approached the woman. "Do you happen to have scissors?"

"Of course, dear, but what for?"

"The ends of my hair are burnt, I should probably cut it."

"Oh! Would you like me to help you with that?"

"No, it's fine," Ryujin took the scissors from the woman, "Yuna's gonna help me!"

Madam Pomfrey looked at her questioningly but decided not to probe.

Ryujin turned back around and her eyes met Yuna's. The way the other girl was smiling at her was hard to put into words. It was like the sun fell from its place in the sky and made Yuna its new home. She had this radiance that rendered Ryujin speechless. Her smile alone easily replaced _the stars_ at the top of Ryujin's list of top 5 favourite things in the world. And maybe that's when Ryujin saw it - that Yuna was actually a sunflower - the most vibrant one, no doubt.

And if she had to deal with all these new emotions in order to stay around someone who felt like sunshine? Well fuck, it would be worth it. After all, sunflowers don't have thorns, right?   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


"Shoulder-length hair suits you," Yeji commented.

"Thanks," Ryujin grinned.

"Wait, did you just smile at me?"

"I've smiled plenty of times," Ryujin rolled her eyes.

Yeji took out a phone from inside her robe. "Nuh uh, do it again, let's take a picture to mark this day."

"With what?"

"This phone," Yeji waved it around in her face.

"Why is it a rectangle? And since when do phones take pictures?"

"Oh it's from the muggle world," Yeji replied, "Muggles are so smart these days. It's called a smartphone."

Ryujin looked at it curiously before poking the screen. It lit up, displaying the time.

"Woah."

Yeji swiped left and flipped the camera so it was on selfie mode.

"It's like a mirror," Ryujin pulled faces at the camera, watching her reflection change in wonder.

Yeji took the opportunity to snap all those photos, chuckling to herself.

"Say cheese!"

"Why would I-"

"Cheese!" Yeji held down the circle, taking a burst of photos. 


	2. some broken things can't be fixed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ryujin can't stand losing a game of quidditch but what's a game of quidditch when she's just lost something that means the world to her?

"Happy birthday Ryujinnie!"

Ryujin reached over the table between them and clasped a hand over Yuna's mouth.

"I thought I told you not to call me that in public!"

"Oops," Yuna dipped her head but the broad smile on her face couldn't be contained. "I'm just too excited!"

"I can tell."

The pair were seated in The Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade, sipping their hot butterbeer from their foaming tankards.

"I got you a little something," Yuna pulled out a large parcel from underneath the table (which Ryujin noticed as soon as she walked in but didn't say anything).

"That doesn't look... little..." Ryujin's eyes glazed over the brown wrapping, sticky-tape stuck all over it in all the wrong places.

"Just open it!" Yuna bobbed up and down in her seat.

Ryujin complied, carefully peeling off one piece of sticky tape at a time.

"Ryujinni-"

Ryujin paused and glared at Yuna.

"Sorry, _Ryujin_. We do have all day but can you please speed up a little? I can't believe you're a seeker but you're _this_ slow!"

"I'm not slow! I'm being careful," Ryujin countered.

"Why? Just rip it."

"But you spent so much time wrapping this," Ryujin frowned.

"You know, you're actually such a softie," Yuna giggled. It was like music to Ryujin's ears. Hearing, seeing and just _knowing_ that Yuna was happy was all she wanted now. Yuna made her world go round.

But she couldn't let her know it.

"Shut the fu- um... shush. I'm not soft," Ryujin's eyes refused to look up from Yuna's present.

She ripped off all the sticky-tape and tore off the wrapping forcefully.

"Do you like it...?" Her brightness faded into a cautious grin.

"Yuna..." Ryuin's voice was barely above a whisper. "I love it."

A lump started to form in her throat. The only person who ever remembered her birthday was Yeji and when Yuna wished her happy birthday, she already marked this day as one of the best days of her life (and there weren't many).

She couldn't peel her eyes away from the unwrapped Nimbus 2020 sitting on the table between them because she _knew_ that if she took one glance at Yuna, she would lose the fight against her tears.

"I'm glad!" Yuna clapped her hands. Ryujin didn't need to look up to know that Yuna's natural ebullience had returned, she could hear it in her voice.

She drew in a shaky breath, keeping her hands clasped tightly under the table. Why wasn't there a spell for stopping oneself from crying? She couldn't understand why she even felt like crying. She thought she had dried every last drop of her tears after _that_ \- a repressed memory from when she was twelve. She was happy, wasn't she? Why were all her emotions getting mixed up?

"But this is too much..." Ryujin swallowed. She wanted to say more but it was too risky.

"Don't be silly! Nothing's ever too much if it's for you."   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Hufflepuffs are meant to be loyal, aren't they?" Ryujin interjected Yeji and Yuna's discussion on how they would sneak into the section in the stands allocated for Slytherins to cheer on Ryujin.

"Exactly! I'm being loyal to you," Yuna stated with pride laced in her voice.

"But your house is playing against mine."

"And what of it?"

"What if your house shuns you out?"

"I'm sure they wouldn't go to that extreme."

"Well, what if _my_ house fu- messes with you?"

"But-" Yuna started but Ryujin was quick to cut her off.

"I know you guys are rooting for me and that means a lot but just... stay in your own sections?" Ryujin persuaded, "For safety reasons."

"Wow, I didn't know you were concerned about me," Yeji feigned shock.

There was that word again. _Concern_. Was that what the unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever the thought of her friends being hurt raced through her mind was?

"I'm not." Ryujin crossed her arms and stared into the distance.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  
  


"Okay girls, let's keep this game nice and clean," Sana, the captain of the Hufflepuff quidditch team brought her team together.

"Good luck everyone," Sana wished as they stacked their hands in the middle. "And extra good luck to Gowon. Catch that golden snitch, darling."

On the other side of the field, things weren't as... civil.

"Okay ladies, do what you gotta do," Yves hyped up her team. "Hyunjin and Jinsoul, hit those bludgers hard. Ryujin, get that golden snitch like it's the last pair of red bottom Louboutins in the world."

"What is that?" Ryujin gave her a strange look.

"Never mind, just get it. We can't lose to Hufflepuff, that's so embarrassing. You lot are gonna sleep in the fucking corridors if you slip up, you hear me? Now, after three. One, two, three...!"

"FUCK IT UP!" the entire Slytherin team yelled in unison.

"Wait, why is _she_ the seeker?" Hyejoo pulled Yves aside while everyone else was getting their broomsticks ready.

"Because she's the fastest?" Yves replied like it was general knowledge that everyone should already know.

"But in our practice games, I caught it before she did," Hyejoo hissed through gritted teeth. "It isn't only about speed."

"Reserve your aggression for them," Yves nodded at their opponents on the other side of the field, placing a hand on Hyejoo's shoulder because the girl looked like she was ready to lunge at her. "Plus, you're our best keeper. Who's gonna stop 'em from scoring if you're the seeker?"

"Goals don't even matter that much. It's the golden snitch that everyone cares about," Hyejoo argued.

"Look, Ryujin is great. We haven't even lost a game yet, thanks to her. If she starts slacking, I'll consider a retrial," Yves tried to negotiate.

"Fine."

"Reugo en Shin Ryujin," she cursed under her breath when her captain left.  
  
  
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  
  


She didn't notice it before but as soon as she got into position, she realised that her initials were engraved on her broomstick, where she normally placed her thumb. _S.RJ_. A smile unconsciously spread across her face. With her head in the clouds, her ears didn't hear the whistle blowing, initiating the match.

"Oi! Ryujin! What are you doing?" Hyunjin screamed at her as she flew to her side, just in time to knock a bludger that decided to come for Ryujin's head with her bat.

But the bludger came back faster than a boomerang, almost knocking the both of them off their broomsticks. Thankfully, Hyunjin was faster.

"Move!"

Ryujin zoomed away. She couldn't handle a bludger without a bat. Nobody could. She spotted a blonde girl flying close to the ground near the stands. She couldn't see the snitch from that high up but she guessed the girl was chasing it so she swooped down and headed in the same direction.

Ryujin was easily closing the distance between herself and Gowon, Hufflepuff's seeker. This Nimbus 2020 was really something else. It took a little while for Ryujin to get used to her new broomstick because _holy fuck_, that thing was so fast, she kind of wished she was wearing goggles or something to protect her eyes from the strong wind (but that would look ridiculous). She could see the golden snitch now, it was only just out of reach. She raced towards it, side by side with Gowon, both of them purposely bumping into each other. Her eyes were trained on it. She had to get it.

"Watch out!" Gowon suddenly screamed, pulling her broomstick up, separating herself from Ryujin.

Ryujin looked to her left and instantly did the same. She pulled up with so much force that she almost flipped over. She didn't have time to properly regain her balance and look for the snitch again because the bludger came right back at her. She flew in every direction to try and lose the bludger. Usually, that method would work but for some reason, it was like the bludger was out for her blood. If she was on a regular broomstick, she would've been knocked off by now. She really owed Yuna big time.   
  
  
  
  
  


In the stands, everyone in Slytherin was on edge (... plus Yeji and Yuna). Their seeker wasn't even chasing the golden snitch anymore, but instead, flying around in circles with a bludger on her tail.

"Why's that bludger only chasing Ryujin?!" someone yelled out in frustration.

"Where are the beaters?!"

"Hyunjin and Jinsoul take care of that fucking bludger already!"

They didn't even notice that Gowon was inching closer and closer to the snitch. It was directly in front of her, she just needed to stretch her arm a little further. Over in the Hufflepuff section, the crowd fell silent besides the loud thumping of hearts in their chests. They could practically smell their victory - something they haven't had a taste of for years. Gowon leaned forward with one hand on her broomstick to steady herself. She could feel a slight tingle in her outstretched fingertip as her skin grazed over the surface of the golden snitch. Just a little more.

"Why do I have such short arms?!" she screamed in her mind. "Come on!"

She held her breath and leaned further forward, her broomstick was starting to tip but it was just enough for her fingers to wrap around the snitch.

Her house erupted in cheers as Madam Hooch blew the whistle, signalling the end of the game.

"No!" Yuna cried out.

Heads turned towards her, taken aback by what they just heard.

"Oh wait, yes?" Yuna ducked her head. "Sorry, how does quidditch work?"   
  
  
  
  
  


The two bludgers were supposed to drop down to the ground but one of them didn't. Ryujin hadn't even heard the whistle, she was too busy trying to outfly the bludger that hadn't stopped chasing her since the game started.

"Fuck off!" she yelled as she weaved between the goal posts, trying to lose the fucking pest.

Hyunjin and Jinsoul were nowhere to be found. Actually, no one else was as high up as she was. She looked down, with the bludger still hot on her heels, and saw everyone else descending towards the ground. So the game was over. She lost.

"It's over!" she screamed at the bludger, "Why the fuck are you still chasing me?"   
  
  
  
  
  


From the stands, Yuna was beginning to worry about Ryujin. She wasn't too knowledgeable about quidditch but even she knew the bludger was supposed to stop by now. So why wasn't anyone doing anything to help her?

"Something's wrong," Yeji fretted from another section of the stands, where Gryffindor and Ravenclaw were sitting together since their houses weren't participating in the match.

"That bludger's been hexed, I think," Jisu commented. "It's been following her since it got released."   
  
  
  
  
  


Ryujin swooped down, slowing her pace as she got closer to the ground so she wouldn't eat dirt. But slowing down was a big mistake.

The bludger knocked the tail twigs of her broomstick with so much force, she lost momentum and began spinning around in the air. The bottom half of her broomstick was completely damaged and ripped off, she was basically only flying on the oak frame... which wasn't possible.

Everything that happened next was a blur before she blacked out.   
  
  
  
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ryujin woke up in a room that was all too familiar.

"How are you feeling, dear?" Madam Pomfrey's voice echoed through her mind.

Ryujin winced when she tried to sit up. It felt like every bone in her body was shattered.

"What happened?" she asked. Her voice was hoarse.

She watched Madam Pomfrey take her leave to give them privacy.

"No one blames you," Yeji started hesitantly but she couldn't find the right words to say. Yuna remained silent by her side, holding onto her hand just like Ryujin had done a few months ago.

"For what?"

Yeji couldn't make eye contact with Ryujin. She knew Ryujin would beat herself up for it.

"Just tell me, I can handle it."

"Are you sure?"

"Tell me."

"Gowon caught the snitch before you did...so your house lost against Hufflepuff," Yeji bit her lip, worried about whatever was going to happen next.

"Oh."

"Yves doesn't blame you," Yeji tried to console her before she could lash out, "No one in your team does and neither does your house."

Ryujin sighed heavily as she began to remember everything that happened just before she blacked out.

"Well, congrats to you guys," she looked up at Yuna, who could only return a weak smile.

"You know I was rooting for you, right?" Yuna spoke softly.

"Sorry to disappoint."

"You didn't," Yuna frowned.

"And, everyone thinks the bludger was tampered with," Yeji added cautiously, "They just don't know who made it go rogue."

"So what? Someone tryna kill me now?"

"I don't know..." Yeji's voice trailed off.

Ryujin felt Yuna squeeze her hand tighter. _Great, more bad news._

Yuna looked up at Yeji, communicating with her eyes.

The Gryffindor nodded slightly before moving to place something loosely wrapped with a cloth on the overbed table at the end of Ryujin's hospital bed.

"They tried to fix your broomstick but..." Ryujin's heart dropped. She knew what was coming next. "It couldn't be fixed."

Yeji slowly unveiled the remainders of her Nimbus 2020 that Yuna had very recently gifted her.

Ryujin's bottom lip trembled. She felt like she had lost more than just a quidditch game.

"Hey, it's okay, I can get you a new one," Yuna rubbed circles with her thumb on the back of Ryujin's hand.

"No."

Yuna was taken aback by Ryujin's bluntness.

"I broke it," Ryujin continued, staring at the pile of twigs.

"But it's not your fault," Yuna tried to reassure her but Ryujin was too stubborn.

"I break everything I touch," Ryujin mumbled, more to herself than to anyone else.

She unlatched her hand from Yuna's and bit down on her tongue to stop herself from screaming in pain as she turned to her side - her back facing Yeji and Yuna.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


Ryujin laid awake in the hospital bed, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. She held onto the one part of her broomstick that she decided to keep close to her chest. Her fingers grazed over her initials carved into the oak. In the darkness, for nobody to see, a single tear trickled down the side of her face and she did nothing to stop it. Her throat closed tight and she struggled to breathe without quivering.

It's like the breaths she took now were never full unless Yuna was there. Ryujin couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not. Because the thought of Yuna leaving her side someday was overwhelming, eating away at her insides. She didn't want to rely on Yuna like the girl was her home. Because she'd been kicked out before - stranded, shivering alone in the bleakness of a wintry night. And she never wanted to experience that again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy endings are overrated, here's your warning for the next chapter


	3. even sunflowers wilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryujin is very familiar with the feeling of being unwanted, abandoned and unloved. She just didn't expect HER to be the one making her feel like this.

"So who are you gonna ask?" Yeji nudged her playfully.

"I don't know. No one."

"What about Yuna?"

"No!" Ryujin replied a little too defensively, "We're just friends, that'd be weird."

"No, _we're_ friends," Yeji gestured between herself and Ryujin, "You and Yuna are something else entirely."

"How?"

"Well, first of all, this isn't me being salty but like, you only let me hug you when it's my birthday or your's," Yeji explained, "But you let Yuna hug you whenever she sees you."

"That's like at least three times a day!" Yeji added.

"That's because I can't say no to her, it's like trying to say no to the sun," Ryujin tried to counter. "What kind of bitch would do that? Not me, that's for sure."

Yeji gave her a knowing smile (and it kind of weirded Ryujin out), "It's because you're whipped for her."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh it's a term that Muggles use," Yeji told her, "In Ryujin-terms, it basically means you're her bitch."

"What?!" Ryujin exclaimed, "No, I'm not!"

"Mhm, I know you like-"

Ryujin glared at her with such intensity, she couldn't continue.

"Fine, fine," Yeji surrendered, putting up her hands. "What about Heejin then? Heard she's got a thing for you."

"No," Ryujin deadpanned, barely moving a muscle in her face.

"Why not? She's nice and pretty."

"Because she's in Gryffindor."

"Why do you say it like it's a bad thing?" Yeji pouted, "I'm in Gryffindor."

"So? Are you saying we should go to that dance together?" Ryujin wiggled her eyebrows, a smirk playing on her lips as she flipped the focus of the conversation onto Yeji.

"No!" Yeji jumped back, making a huge X with her arms.

"I'm hurt," Ryujin replied sarcastically.

"Eugh," Yeji shuddered at the thought. "I've already asked someone anyway and she said yes."

"Really?" Ryujin was slightly impressed. She didn't know her friend had game. "Who?"

"Jisu," Yeji grinned like a five year old who just got promised ice-cream after dinner.

"Ravenclaw Jisu?" Ryujin wanted to clarify.

"Yeah, is there another Jisu?"

"No, I'm just surprised you managed to snag a pretty one," Ryujin teased.

"Hey!" Yeji crossed her arms. "Whatever, just hurry up and ask someone because I'm not gonna let you third-wheel us."   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


Ryujin paced back and forth outside of an ongoing Herbology class. She hated the idea of having responsibility for some other living thing when she could hardly take care of herself so she definitely wasn't there to enrol in the class.

The door suddenly burst open as students filed out.

"Ryujinnie!" Yuna bounced towards her and engulfed her in a hug that Ryujin found difficult to break away from but she had a reputation to uphold.

"Hey Yuna," she greeted.

There was nothing she could do about the nickname Yuna had given her anymore. Every time she tried to tell Yuna off for saying it like she wanted the whole world to hear it, the girl would just pout. And who could resist Yuna's pout? The nickname was _cute_ at least, she could admit that. She just didn't know if it really suited her because she was the furthest thing from cute.

She caught herself getting lost in her thoughts again as Yuna babbled on about how much she loved plants and animals. Normally, she would give Yuna all of her attention and listen to her with interest but that day, she had something else on her mind.

She wanted to ask Yuna to be her date for the dance but it was like all the butterflies in the world decided to make her stomach their home. She tried to think of an _excuse _instead of a proper way to ask Yuna - an excuse so it wouldn't make things weird between them if Yuna only thought of her as a friend. Honestly, Ryujin wasn't sure what love was supposed to feel like but she was sure she didn't see Yuna as just a friend because like Yeji said, the way she felt around Yuna wasn't the same as how she felt around Yeji or any other person.

"Are you still listening?" Yuna asked when she noticed that Ryujin was a little quieter than usual.

"Of course," Ryujin lied. "By the way, the dance is in like three days and I still have nobody to go with and neither do you so how 'bout we just go together?"

"As friends," she added.

"What?" Yuna stopped in her tracks.

This wasn't how she imagined Ryujin to ask her. Sure, Ryujin was probably the least affectionate person she knew, considering she lived in a dormitory full of Hufflepuffs but she hoped Ryujin would at least put in some effort instead of asking her last minute because she had no one else to ask. And as friends? Had she been reading into everything wrong?

"Who said I have no one to go with?" Yuna's voice was wobbly.

She had never felt so hurt by words. She normally didn't care too much about what others had to say about her. But Ryujin wasn't just anyone.

"Oh, I-"

"A few people already asked me a long time ago," Yuna cut her off.

_"And I said no to them all because I was waiting for you to ask me," _she wanted to say. But she decided that Ryujin didn't deserve to hear that. She couldn't let herself become vulnerable like that.

"And I already said yes to one of them," she lied. "And just a tip for the future, next time when you ask someone to be your date, don't say it like they're your last choice."

"And don't say you want to go with them as friends," Yuna flared up and brushed past Ryujin, storming off to God-knows-where.

Ryujin instantly regretted pretending like she only wanted to go with Yuna because she had no other option. Because the truth was, Yuna was never her last resort.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


"Hey Chaeryeong?" Yuna hesitantly walked up to the girl who she found in the library with her nose buried in a book.

"Oh Yuna," Chaeryeong quickly closed her book and turned to face the blonde. "Hi!"

"About the dance..." Yuna paused. She originally had no intention of going with anyone other than Ryujin but Ryujin's harsh words echoed in the back of her mind, reminding her why her feet had brought her to Chaeryeong. "I would love to go with you."

She felt guilty for kind of using Chaeryeong like that but the way the Ravenclaw's face lit up made her believe she wasn't doing anything wrong.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Heejin!" Ryujin called out to the raven-haired girl.

She lightly jogged up to her when the girl stopped and looked over her shoulder.

"Hey Ryujin?" Heejin looked at her, slightly confused since they had never really talked before.

"Um... I was wondering if you have a date to the dance yet?" Ryujin scratched the nape of her neck.

"Well...not yet," Heejin answered. She tried not to get her hopes up but she couldn't help the giddiness from spreading inside her.

"Do you want to go with me?" Ryujin forced a smile.

"I would love to!" Heejin bubbled. 

━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  
  


"Didn't you say you didn't wanna go with a Gryffindor?" Yeji whispered behind her hand.

Ryujin rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, glaring at a certain couple dancing in the middle of the floor. Chaeryeong's hand was too tight on Yuna's waist. She hated it. But what she hated more was the smile on Yuna's face. She wore the smile like it wasn't an obligation, but a genuine reflection of all the happiness she was feeling on the inside. That smile was Ryujin's favourite thing in the world, and Chaeryeong had swooped in and stolen it.

Heejin soon returned with their drinks.

"Wanna dance?" The desire for revenge was coursing through Ryujin's veins.

Heejin's face lit up. "Of course!" she nodded.

Ryujin held onto Heejin's hand tightly, perhaps a little too tightly, and dragged her out towards the dance floor. If Yuna was having a great time with Chaeryeong, she was going to show Yuna that she was having an even better time.

The slow song ended and the DJ played a more upbeat, pop song so there was no reason for Ryujin to dance that close to Heejin. But Heejin liked her. Heejin wanted her. And Heejin probably wouldn't abandon her. So, Ryujin snaked her arms around Heejin's waist and let the beautiful girl wrap her arms around her neck. She just needed to prove to her stupid, little heart that it didn't need Yuna to survive.   
  
  


━━☆⌒*  
  
  
  


The dance floor was starting to clear as the night was coming to an end. Most people had already gone back to their dorms, including Heejin, Yeji and Jisu. As much as Heejin wanted to stay with Ryujin, the poor girl couldn't fight her drowsiness so Ryujin was left with Hyunjin, loitering around the drinks table.

"How much trouble will I get into if I put a little curse on someone?" Ryujin questioned as she eyed Yuna and Chaeryeong standing close together, talking about God-knows-what.

"I'd say... expulsion," Hyunjin dragged out her words, following Ryujin's line of sight.

Ryujin groaned. That couldn't happen. She couldn't be sent 'home', wherever that was. Her fists clenched around the bowl of her wine glass (but there was only a concoction of non-alcoholic drinks in it) as she continued to watch Yuna smile at Chaeryeong. The pair were completely oblivious to Ryujin and Hyunjin's presence - another thing Ryujin hated because Yuna's eyes used to always find her's, no matter how large the crowd was.

Suddenly, the glass shattered in her hand, its broken pieces smashing against the tile floor, capturing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Dude! Your hand!" Hyunjin's eyes were wide with shock.

Fragments of glass pierced her skin but strangely, Ryujin felt more of a stinging pain in her heart than in her hand.

"Whatever."

Ryujin nonchalantly pulled out the pieces with her other hand, dropping the shards to the floor without a care in the world. Her blood rapidly stained the tiles but she had no intention of stopping it. Maybe if she just let herself bleed out, she would feel numb to the pain. All of it.

"Come on, we gotta go to Pomfrey," Hyunjin tugged her arm.

"It's fine," Ryujin dismissed, "Doesn't even hurt."

"That's not the point," Hyunjin argued, "You're bleeding! You could get an infection."

"So?"

"So how are you gonna play quidditch?"

Right. Quidditch. Of course. How silly of her to think that someone actually cared about her.   
  
  


Ryujin scoffed, letting her hand drop to her side. She brushed past Hyunjin, ignoring the silent stares of various students and instead of heading towards the hospital wing, she walked in the opposite direction.

She didn't really know where she was going but she didn't care. She heard footsteps quickening behind her, gradually getting closer and closer but she didn't bother turning around.

"Can you stop?"

She felt a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off and continued down the corridor.

"Ryujin!"

Yuna ran ahead of her, blocking her path.

"What?"

"You should go to Pomfrey," Yuna told her softly.

"No."

"Please!" Yuna pleaded, her eyes brimming with tears.

She learnt over the past year that Ryujin never took care of herself but she could never get used to it. It hurt her to see Ryujin like that.

"Drop the act," Ryujin said bluntly.

"What?"

"Stop pretending."

"Pretending? Pretending what?" Yuna's eyes clouded over.

"Stop pretending like you care!"

Underneath the smoke from the fire in Ryujin's eyes, was the eyes of a terrified, traumatised young girl who was starved of the love and care she so desperately craved. But Yuna couldn't see that. Not when Ryujin purposely trapped herself in a ring of fire, not letting anyone get too close to her and not letting herself get too close to anyone.

"But I do care!"

"No," Ryujin refused to believe her. She stepped back. "You don't. Nobody does."

"Are you serious? _I_ care about you, _Yeji_ cares about you," Yuna emphasised, trying to control her voice.

Ryujin's stomach churned, like there was a raging sea inside her.

"You?" Ryujin pointed her finger at Yuna. "No. You care about Chaeryeong."

"That doesn't stop me from caring about you too though." Every time Yuna tried to take a step closer, Ryujin would take two steps back. "What happened Ryujin? Why are you being like this?"

The flame in Ryujin's eyes was becoming an inferno that she couldn't put out. "_You_ happened! _You_'re the one making me feel like this!"

"What?" Yuna's voice was smaller than she intended it to be.

"You should just go back to Chaeryeong, I'm sure she's waiting for you."

"No," Yuna stood her ground, "I'm taking you to the hospital wing."

She reached out for Ryujin's arm but Ryujin was quick to pull away.

"I can get there myself," Ryujin muttered, "You can go to Chaeryeong."

"Why do you keep bringing her up?"

"Because," Ryujin answered with a heavy heart, "You chose her over me."

For a second, a very brief second, the smoke in Ryujin's eyes cleared. Yuna should've seen it. She should've seen Ryujin stripped of her tough façade - her vulnerability, her desperation and her yearning all exposed for that brief moment. But Ryujin's words caught her off guard.

"No, I-"

"I heard that you said yes to her only after I asked you," Ryujin revealed.   
  
  


_FLASHBACK _   
  
  


Hours after she asked Yuna, Ryujin heard from Jisu that Chaeryeong would be going to the dance with Yuna.

"Yuna finally said yes to Chaeryeong today! I'm so happy for her," Jisu sang as she walked alongside Yeji and Ryujin. "Ryujin, are you going with anyone?"

Yeji tried to catch Ryujin's eye but the girl was focused on the ground. There was venom on the tip of Ryujin's tongue but she swallowed it. People don't abandon people they love. Yuna never wanted her so that meant Yuna never liked her. There was nothing she could say to change that, especially not to Jisu anyway.

"Not yet but I know who I want to ask."   
  
  


_END OF FLASHBACK _   
  
  


"I know you'd rather dance with her right now so just stop. Stop pretending. It hurts too much. Please. I'm really tired."

"That's not what I- This isn't fair! You think this isn't hurting me? You're acting so selfish! Wh-"

"Because I _am_ selfish! I wanted you for myself!"

The words slipped out of her mouth before she had time to process it. It was too late to take it back. Her heart was already laid out on the line.

Yuna's heart stuttered. It's what she always wanted to hear Ryujin say. But it didn't feel right.

_Wanted. _Past tense. Ryujin _wanted_ her, not _want. _Not anymore.

"How can you say that? You didn't want me to come with someone else but what about you and Heejin? Did you come with her _as friends_? Because you two looked a little _too friendly_."

Yuna was tired of letting herself get burnt by Ryujin's words. It was like she caught on fire to match Ryujin's intensity and all her suppressed thoughts were resurfacing. 

"Heejin isn't my friend," Ryujin answered. It was the truth but it wasn't what Yuna wanted to hear.

Yuna fell silent, nodding slowly. She couldn't look at Ryujin anymore.

"But you said we're friends," Yuna connected the dots. "Why does it matter who I go with? Yeji is your friend, isn't she? And she chose to go with Jisu. How is that any different?"

Yuna choked back tears but once she let her thoughts break free, she couldn't stop them.

"Because I didn't ask Yeji! I asked you!"

"And I would've said yes!"

In the heat of the moment, Yuna accidentally let Ryujin know the one thing she had decided Ryujin didn't deserve to hear.

"What?"

"I would've said yes to you, Ryujin," Yuna poured her heart out between sniffles. "Imagine how _I_ felt. I waited _weeks_ for you to ask me but you never did. So I was gonna ask you. I had it all planned out but then you beat me to it. Except you asked me only because you had no one else to ask! And you know what's worse? You wanted to go as _friends_. So stop playing with me. I'm tired as well."

Yuna's cheeks were stained where her tears had rolled down.

Ryujin wanted to tell her she never meant any of that - that Yuna was never her last choice, that she never wanted to go as friends... that she loved her. But those words were left unsaid because when Yuna turned her back on her and walked away with slumped shoulders, looking so dejected, Ryujin realised that she had broken someone who meant the whole world to her. How could she ever forgive herself for that?

She should've known when Yuna waltzed into her life with the sun in her smile, that the girl was too fragile to be around someone like Ryujin - someone who broke everything she touched. And that was her biggest regret - allowing herself to get close enough to Yuna to hurt her.

She had no one to blame but herself. She looked down at her bloody hand trembling. It was all too familiar to her. She thought she had thrown it into a deep pit in the back of her mind and locked it away but the memories came flooding back to her. Goosebumps crept onto her skin, just like that winter night.

"It's all your fault!" she remembered her father yelling at her before he slammed the door in her face. Those were the last words she heard from him. She remembered pounding on the door until her knuckles bled but no matter how loud or how long she begged him to let her back in, he never did.

And now, it was all her fault again. 


End file.
